Time Machine

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"If I could do it all over, maybe I’d do it in a different way. Maybe I would not be here, not in this position."- True Love

There comes a time in our lives wherein we’d have huge problems, and just want to escape them all, but we can’t because once we are trapped, we are trapped. There are no setbacks, no do-overs, and no other choice, but to face our last resort which is to face the consequence.

These are the reasons why I hate living in this world. The world is actually so cruel for not letting anyone redo his decision or at least, let that person escape it by simply becoming invisible.

People who know me so well wonder why I want to have a do-over. They say that I am not a so-called ‘nobody’ or an average kid to wish for that. I am too smart to wish for that. I am gifted with all the resources that I need. They say that I am highly important to wish for that. This wish gives them the impression that I am too self-centered to think that way.

I am also filled with insecurities every time I see a distant relative most especially when my 4 year-old cousin is with me. My relatives often say, “Wow! Ang puti ng apo ni Jong na bata. Lumabas talaga sa kanya ang dugong Olarte”. Then my mom or uncle would say, “Ito. Apo rin ito ni Jong.” My relative would only show a pathetic smile and not react, as if she was not proud to know that her run still runs in my blood.

I know why she acted that way. Physically, I am really far from perfect. I am imperfect in the way that I dress, the way my facial features were made, the way my body is shaped, some imperfections here and there. My skin tone is not like theirs. My skin tone is tan and they have lighter skin tone.

Even though I just smiled when somebody complimented my cousin but made a negative comment about me, I was starting to burn deep inside. Even though I just laugh when somebody calls me "taba", "lechon", "baboy", "pig", and even make some jokes like "katayun na na siya" ,deep inside, I am contemplating. I let those criticisms fill me. I let them make me feel inferior. I am asking myself why I deserve all these embarrassments and criticisms.

Seriously, what have I done? Did I wish that I would have skin tone like this? Did I wish that I would be fat like this? Did I wish that I would have a lot of imperfections like these?

Then, I realized that I had a few mistakes. If I listened to my parents, who constantly reminded me that I should get involved in physical activities, then I would not be suffering from all these criticisms. If I only scrubbed my skin better, then I would at least have 1% lighter skin tone. After some time, I realized my biggest mistake in this situation. I let the unwanted criticisms conquer me.

People tend to be judgemental, it's just so easy to comment on whatever they think seem right or wrong. It's so easy to look at a person and start pointing out flaws and secretly judging them by staring at them in a rude manner. Although some people tend to point out weaknesses through sending hate, criticism and even bullying, these types of people will do anything to let me crumble, to make me think that I am worthless, and to make me realise they are right. Now, it's my decision to either listen to them and fall into this hole of darkness and insecurity, or I can simply let it pass my left ear and wait for it to get out of my right ear. It's all about where my focus is, once I focus on my strengths and only that, I'll feel much lighter and on top of the world. If my weaknesses can still be improved, why don’t I work on that, right?

I wish that I had started earlier so that there would be less pain. I wish I could redo my life, choices, and turn my flaws into strengths. I wish that I did not let their judgements take over my life. I wish I had some sort of magical device that would have made me a better person earlier.

“Life is simply building yourself into becoming the best version of you that only YOU could ever be.”

As what I have said earlier, if I could do it all over, maybe I’d do it in a different way. Maybe I would not be here, not in this position.

Photo credits:

academic underdogs.com

waltbox.wordpress.com

Note: Hey guys! Yes.I know that I have posted an article last year with the same title and that this article kind of contradicts with what I've said in the previous article (see Time Machine). Well, this article is completely different from that one (to be frank, this is actually more similar to the X-Sign) and as to the contradicting part, I have one thing to say. Time. Time changed me and my perception lately. xoxo, Anya

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Time Machine

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